What is Chaotic Simplicity?
This is yet another project of mine started early last summer.
I’ve always had a passion for writing and I’ve been through a variety of things in my life, both successful and difficult. I decided to combine the two to write an autobiography of sorts. The difference with this one is it’s less about getting to know me and more about inspiring and motivating anyone who reads it.
Life can be a trying time but I truly believe all the obstacles we face are tests. Testing our strengths and our weaknesses. Our results are based on how we chose to look at things and the results that come thereafter.
Below are a few excerpts from chapters I’ve begun.
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NOTE FROM THE AUTOHOR
I had a tattoo done on my back a few years ago that says “Chaotic Simplicity”. Ever since I’ve had this done I have been constantly asked the same question, “What does that mean?” There is no simple answer to this question but the best way I can put it is that every life has a million and one different elements that create chaos for us. Regardless of all these chaotic elements we have these counter active elements that help us bring back simplicity into our lives. It could be our children, our quiet time, our jobs, our spouses, our friends, our family but it is all relative to who is looking at it. These chaotic simplicities, as I call them, bring us back down to earth and let our feet touch the ground. They let us take in a deep breath and realize that yes, it is all going to be okay.
I decided to write this book only to inspire others. Not that my life is anything amazing or that I’ve overcome incredible circumstances but because life is hard. In so many ways life seems to give us a great big kick in the butt and then other days it lifts us up to the point where we think we are invincible. Those days where we feel like nothing is ever going to work out right can be incredibly overwhelming. So overwhelming that all people, young and old, female and male, adult and children, feel that there is no way to get past these obstacles. These emotions we live through at these moments affect us all. The one thing in common that we all have is that every situation has it’s ways to be had. Big or small, if we stay determined, we can get past the dark times. It’s all in the way you look at it and it’s all in the actions we take.
The journey your about to join me on in writing this book is a compilation of different highlights in my life. Some hard and some not so hard but they all had their elements of chaos and with a lot of effort I was able to find my simplicities within them. Take these situations for what they are worth. Take the lessons I’ve learned from them. Take the emotions I’ve lived and find them in your own and create success from them.
We all have dark clouds but don’t forget that we all do have silver linings even in our darkest of times.
YES, HE’S MY SON, NOT MY BROTHER
This is the beginning of one of my chapters…
As a parent you wish only the best for your children. As they evolve from babies to toddlers to kids to teenagers you see a path outlined in your head for them and pray that they will follow suit. I didn’t do this. I wasn’t always the easiest child for my mother nor did I make it easy for her. Regardless, our journey through hard times and good times brought us to many realizations. Realizations that teenagers have a whole different mindset than the average person.
” I know what I’m doing. Nobody understands how I feel or what I’m going through. Why can’t someone just get it? I feel so alone in this world.”
My head was in a different realm as a teenager. I felt like the ugly duckling. I felt like the odd girl out. I sought nothing but acceptance. Somewhere. Anywhere. I wanted to be accepted, included… Loved. I felt like I would never attain these things not realizing their time would come when it was ready. I think my path was already written out in the sands and I just couldn’t bare to wait for the feeling of being complete.
February 16th 2000 I turned 16. My sweet sixteen. My champagne birthday. My friends had parties for these big memorable birthdays. They partied with friends, had a few drinks even though they shouldn’t be, kissed boys hoping to find their true love and danced the night away as they welcomed a new year of growing up. As I look down at my slowly growing pregnant belly I come to the full realization that I am 3 months pregnant. No champagne, no big birthday bash, not the way I ever saw my 16th birthday arriving. I was scared. In a few short months someone, this new little being I created, would be looking at me as their Mom. I was now responsible for this little human being and I hadn’t even graduated high school yet. Am I ready? That thought must have crossed my mind more times than I’d like to remember…
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME
Here is a chapter based on my experiences with charity work and fundraising and why… These experiences have been truly life changing for me.
We all tend to get caught up in our selfish needs. Personally, I believe the evolution of each day is progressing more towards a world of greed. We are surrounded by so many changes that in turn we are changing the makeup of us as human beings as we speak. Break us all down into pieces and you will definitely find that there is good and bad in all of us. Put us all back together again and sadly you will find that most will choose their own needs above others. This is above all my personal observation but I’m sure I am not alone in this view.
Shortly before my graduating year of Advertising I decided I wanted to take the initiative and do something for a greater good. Make an event that could benefit someone. I won’t lie. There was a selfish need there to create something in order to generate experience for myself as I journeyed onto my career path. Like I said, break us all down, we are full of the good, the bad and the necessary. What I didn’t want to do with this adventure of organizing an event was profit monetarily for myself. We don’t hear that very often, do we? Without too much thinking about it I thought: kids. Who could I help? Who could I benefit? I wanted to help the strongest people I knew of and that was the children that were dealt an unfair hand in life. The Montreal Children’s Hospital it was. I had found my cause and it was something I whole heartedly believed in and stood by. After all I had a son of my own and he was my world. I wanted to help the little worlds of all those other parents however I could.
This was the beginning of an event I created, “Image of the Invisible” and my debut in charity work and fundraising. As I look back now I am incredibly honored that I’ve gotten to help out the way I can. I may have yet to raise incredible amounts of money but I’d like to think I’ve made a difference in raising what I can and creating awareness for the causes I’ve supported. In all reality, it’s not even about how much money you raise for a cause. The life changing differences are in the awareness you create. The impact comes from the lives you touch and the love and appreciation that you share with those who know you are looking out for them. If I had one piece of advice to give, it would be to at least once in everyone’s lifetime create your own fundraising effort. It not only changes a part of you but it smiles upon others.
PLEASE, DON’T GO
Here is the beginning of a very difficult chapter to write…
It isn’t without sadness that I write this chapter. A dark cloud hangs over my heart as the words begin to form into tears. This part of my life is a continuous journey that I am on and will live with until I can try no longer.
I just wanted to be strong enough to save her. I wanted to carry us both to somewhere safe and I couldn’t. Life said so. There are very few that understand because until you walk in those footsteps there is no comparison. Most of those out there only think they know. Trust me when I say, you don’t want to know. You don’t want to understand.
In life we take things for granted. We see people who must deal with loss in multiple facets and we tell ourselves that we will appreciate the people and the things around us. We tell ourselves that that will never happen to us. We argue with people that we’d never let that happen. We agree that we understand and we realise now. No matter how hard you try, you don’t. We all get too caught up in life and honestly; there are many times where there is nowhere to point the finger of blame. It happens right under our very noses.
I tried to give her all of my strength, all of my courage, my positivity and my faith. I know she welcomed all of these things with open arms. The strength was reflected in her attitude, the courage was outstanding as she fought her fight, her positive outlook shone through her smile like no other and her faith, although sometimes faltering, was such a remarkable presence to be around. No matter what I did and no matter how strong she was her path had been determined.
I told my self so many times that I would not be one of those people that had regrets. I would not be one of those that took a gift of time for granted. I wish I could say I staid true to what I promised myself. I was afraid. I only wish I would have told her how amazing she was. I regret every single day not telling her that regardless of her mistakes in the past I had never loved her any less. If anything I loved her even more for never giving up. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. How I was so sorry for causing hardships in the past over such trivial things. I wanted to somehow express to her what she meant in my life but the words remained caught in my throat right up until her last breath.
This is the part of my life where I lose her.
Cover Photo Drawing done by William Mak